Selections from My VHS Collection in Order of How Many Children Should Watch Them (Ascending)
Zoë Smith
The Road to El Dorado: No Children At All, Ever
Olin Tezcatlipoca reminded all of us that this movie is pretty much an Elton John musical love letter to genocidal imperialism. I should burn this tape but the fumes would poison my body as much as those catchy tunes poisoned my mind.
Some Blank Tape: One Kid to Check if There’s Anything on There
There’s nothing on there and the mystical art of taping has been lost to time. Maybe once this could have captured the wonder of Space Jam, but now it’s just a bittersweet reminder of bygone days. Bust out the DVR, kiddo.
Fight Club, Gladiator, Exorcist: Only Sneaky Kids in Need of A Scary Lesson
Children should not be watching these but if some smarty pants wants to sneak an R-rated flick this might teach them a valuable lesson about breaking the rules.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: Any Kids Who Are Willing to Endure a Long Rant About Respectability Politics and Liberal Hypocrisy
I don’t anticipate many takers.
Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride: Any Kids Who Are Willing to Endure a Long Rant About How This Movie is Just Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner with Lions
I anticipate more takers (they put all the brown lions in a food desert, REALLY?)
Fantasia: The Kids Who Will Let Me Skip Past the Scary Demon Part
So scary, guys. Everyone wants to skip this part.
The Little Mermaid: Only Children Who Are Adequately Prepared For Problematic Gender Politics
I will be offering an online seminar for children, “Slimy, Yet Satisfying! Punching the Patriarchy and What It Means for your Colorful Cartoons” for $14.99.
All of my “Klassics with Kats” tapes including but not limited to Oliver and Company, The Muppet Christmas Carol, A Bug’s Life: Kids Who Promise to Read the Book Some Day
A Bug’s Life is Seven Samurai, didn’t you know?
Rogers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella: Every Kid in Need of a Glimpse at the Post-Racial Utopia
It’ll never happen, kids, but if it did Whitney Houston would be alive and it would look like this beautiful carnival of miscegenation and song.
Mulan: Nearly All of Them
Despite Disney’s irresistible urge to add a shuckin’ and jivin’ sidekick to ancient China, Mulan actually doesn’t make me that mad. Go forth, children, and enjoy!
Matilda: 100% of all children and adults
What is the message of Matilda? Four out of five adults are horrible and not to be trusted? I don’t care. This movie has practically no men anywhere. How many movies have multiple single women without making some big “spinster” thing about it? Not to mention there’s no trace of the Cinderella story “adversity-passive kindness-rewarded virtue” model or really any hard work or growth on Matilda’s part to get her a happy ending. She just vandalizes stuff (with immense pleasure) until she gets her own way. She’s diabolical…imagine if Arya Stark had unlimited telekinetic powers. Matilda is TERRIFYING and I totally love it and the tykes will too.
